I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
