just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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