He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
