he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
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The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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