Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
