FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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