Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
