Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
