Do you still have your period?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
