8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
