seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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