I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
