New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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