Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
