apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
