I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
