I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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