EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize