Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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