This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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