My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
