did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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