My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
