Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
