Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
