i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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