turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
