He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
