apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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