I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just pee around me
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
