I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I will die if light touches me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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