Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
