just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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