Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
