do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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