"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
