dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Randomize
