i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize