Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
