Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
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I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
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When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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