And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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