Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
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and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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