I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
