We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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