life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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