Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
