Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
