Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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