i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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