I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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