So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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