can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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